“Hey You, I feel like I know you although we’ve just met… would you like to sit down and see if we can figure out some unanswered questions for each other?“
who knows, maybe you just met your new astrologer, your best friend, your mirror, your shibari-master, your favourite author or the co-founder of your dream project!
Go towards the people who inspire you.
There could be complications – you only have a few hours before a flight, you don’t speak the same language (or dance!), it could be obvious that there’s something irritating and difficult to address… wow, thank you for the challenge – be ready to face your shadow: fear, anger, frustration, even this (un)comfortable sensation of being seduced.. all good signs of something happening on deeper levels of the connection.
Often, two people still meet from give and take. Sometimes, they meet from gifting: sharing the excess flow they have. And at occasions, it is just a blending of energies into one puddle, a novel flavour of two souls combined, there is no exchange, there is a whole new element born. These are probably the people you should create with.
We are living in a threshold. Old paradigms are dropping out, failing, falling off. Nothing is as painful and taughtful and horizon expanding than our love life. Some would say that the age of Aquarius is more about creating community – a step away from the Piscean ideals of romantic love in duality. The basic lesson is on how to let our hearts’ capacity to expand and include more people? And, how to let go of the possessive, selfish side of love where ‘he belongs to me’? And the more we do, the more we open up to meeting ‘our tribe’, the souls that have come here to manifest the same reality, who we want to co-exist with. Together, we are INVENTING the new playground of love.
Here are some ways I’ve swam through love’s gates in the last years:
- Through Sacrifice – making my love sacred. A conscious giving up of the beloved as a ‘belonging’ or anything that is under my control… which implies hierarchy that is complete illusion (or best left to the S/M playnights). We can never own someone (that would be slavery) – and even in the level of ideals where we colour the storybook with their smiling face next to us in all the photos.. I burn that.. over and over.. so that I can arrive to this moment and welcome what is actually present. I trust the people in my life to be there of their own freedom and volition and even drift apart…and come back when the astrological bells ring and it is time for us to co-create in love again!
- Through Pain – It HURTS. A wise mystic said: “pain is our resistance to change“. But change, growth, transformation is all a process… Seeing a beloved with someone else: First the childhood wounds raise their heads (“I am not chosen, I am alone, I don’t deserve love”), then the emotions amp up our despair and worthlessness to the point of nihilism and if we manage to dive through this cave of darkness.. we might find the ultimate treasure..
- Through Self-Love – learning that whatever I need from the other person – I can give to myself. Even touch and intimacy is WIDELY available and should not depend on one person’s presence. Thank God for cuddle parties, massagefests, contact improv, good friends.. slowly we are getting more familiar with the fact that we just need to be more ‘in touch‘.
Besides that, taking care of myself also means paying attention to what I do with my time alone – how do I treat myself to a date? I once took myself to the movies for Valentines to see Blue is the Warmest Colour. The most challenging way to be intimate with myself was to look into the mirror and caress my face, my body and my features…and tell me ‘I love you/us/this body/heart/soul’.
- Through Poetry – besides this being my soul’s language.. I believe in our encounters following some universal principles of harmony. If one extreme happens, then we reach for the opposite.. if I meet someone as free as I am – I will probably want to commit to them. Paradox and irony and a sprinkle of salt. There is a soul in every relationship, a certain meaning, a special secret reason why it is happening… my dive is to find out the essence… and not be attached to the outcome.
- Through Sharing – I’m coming from monogamy to free love to open relating and exploring the loving potentials of couplehood, singlehood, affairs, multiple partners in the same room, even a community of wild lovers and then back to my own relation. The greatest challenges have been with scheduling time and finding my balance in between the different pulls – learning what each pair of eyes and the pounding heart can teach me. Exploring the multiverses of sexuality no longer defined into a format – what does it mean? Let’s find out!
- Through Communication – Further openness, trust and shared ideas start to take form. Definitions are often useful, and it is nice to know where you are at, lover, even when it is with someone else. I notice my own safety in relating comes through inclusion – even if I just hear the story of what happened, I feel connected in my emotional body to the journey those beloveds have been on. On the other hand I am still facing my own limitations in my ability to reach out and speak from a place of hurt, when I go into panic and want to annihilate the present moment with a primal scream. That’s how much it hurts to be on the outside – times when I push myself out of my body, out of my balance, out of the power place to act.. Communicating from this place has been one of the hardest and most helpful points to crack and I will keep practicing.
- Through Breaking Boundaries – although it has been a huge topic worldwide and we are just learning about how to state our boundaries i.e. those limits to us that we feel safe in. Well, often the case is that they are broken before we even know what they are. And I’ve broken some this year, in my career, in my personal life, definitely in my heart, not always consensually.
And yes, my boundaries actually have widened and though it has been a messy greyzone where I’m not sure what just happened and if I am ok with that.. in the end of the day I am still myself, more than ever, and I uncovered some deep wisdom that I didn’t know before.
Now it is more of an instant sensation of ‘this is a boundary’ and then I question myself what to do about it; whether to stop and talk, just move away or consciously break it and brace for a learning experience in the unknown. This is where life happens most of the time ‘cos in some sense I cross my boundary as soon as I walk out the door of my house.*
- Through Self-Responsibility – I learn how to not blame or spew my s*it on the other. My emotional states are often just ‘my emotional states’. And I know how to dance them through, or scream them out (NOT on someone else’s face) or write them through. I am also responsible for my financial status – not the government or the banking systems (I still store my money in there). We support this reality by taking part in the game. In (all kinds of) relationships this realization makes a huge difference – and cuts the blame game for good. And all you have to do then is change the old stories..
- Through Choice – there is always another option. If it is not 1 or 2 then it is both or 3. My choice is to relate openly and to keep my self autonomy at all times (i.e. I am only responsible to myself, not in any agreement with or necessity to report to anyone). It is also a choice for some then, not to have an intimate relationship with me because they want another style of relating. I respect that.
Also, there are many ways of being creative together without having to be sexually connected – in fact, often we can fuel sexuality into creativity – the best examples I know are musicians.
Everything we do is a choice – where we live, what we eat, who we talk about troubles to. And we have SO MUCH CHOICE these days.. so, I invite myself to explore the limits of freedom – commitments.
- Through commitments – I’ve found my edge. I’ve committed to myself and I’ve committed to honesty in my emotions. I commit to my soul tribe in the sense of supporting them in their path, our path, offering reflections (and even the not-so-nice feedback) and being open to constant change – even when it hurts. That is the biggest commitment – to Love – let it win over fear, let it win even when I feel like contracting – finding the most loving way to take care of myself AND open up to love. More than to any one person, I am committed to that POWER beyond ALL.
So this year… I am ready to play with like-hearted people. I want authenticity, I want creativity, I want power with freedom, love and joining hands. I also stake out any pretending, any hidden agendas and any unprocessed wounds.. I want to empower others to come play in this paradigm of Love, the new playground where we are all just kids – innocent, curious, undefined by societal terms. I had to erase my relationship status once again (for good?) because I don’t know anymore! And to live in the unknown one can only be present with what is.. and it is the most wonderous place to be!
Contact me if you want help in any of this!
p.s. I watched a random comedy show recently playing with the new themes of our time and yet perpetuating the old paradigm of relating – monogamy, jealousy, cheating, lies and secrets… The whole drama was based on ‘How hard it was to tell someone you like them (because they are already in a relationship!).’
Wouldn’t it be nice to know, and share that, even if it was never acted upon? Haven’t we all written (unsent) love letters to someone AMAZING but out of reach?
Well, since the world got smaller (thanks to technology), they are not so out of reach anymore! A voice message, a video, an image of
“You INSPIRE me ❤“
and it is a little extra reason to be alive. Even better when you can show it through smiles, hugs and bananas! Most of us still have quite a low self esteem (something to do with the culture we grew up in) and we can change that by our wider reaching declarations of appreciation! It also gives you that extra COURAGE to speak your heart’s truth. And once the truth is out..it might reveal something else that actually needs to happen.. (and I refer back to the first sentence of this piece).
p.p.s. * I encourage you to know your boundaries and express them, but also not to confine life into them. Intuition is our strongest instinct – when it is based on love. But if a boundary is formed because there is something you are afraid of – then finding a way to go into that fear with guidance/support and a safe space can actually widen your ability to love and be present in life. It feels like jumping off the edge of a cliff and sometimes the water is cold. But it is still our choice how we feel about it in the end of the day – and you never know.
Forgiveness is medicine when it comes to others breaking our limits. Sexual harassment has been a huge theme and takes a lot of energy to heal – also from the side of the perpetrator! Let’s move past demonizing and look at violators as past victims. We are not yet in the end of the tale and don’t know why things have happened, and sometimes the best we can do is trust that there is a bigger play and heal ourselves and then heal others.
Let’s end the blame game and offer support and honest reflections to those hurting.