I Exist

I AM HERE.

I am alive because of Love.

Love that is bigger than my fear.

Still I find it hard to be here sometimes, when my body contracts, runs away, collapses or freezes in fear. I hide and cocoon myself, jaded and unable to MOVE THROUGH the faceless fear.

I come to a hilt and wish everything would stop moving, stop breathing and for the vacuum of singularity to swallow me.
Yes, I’ve used nothingness as an excuse not to feel.

But deeper than that, when I humble my fragile being to the misery, I KNOW, or at least choose to have faith, that Love is bigger than my fear.
And I can shake, howl, wail and weep through the ice.
And Love is always available to me, inside and out, from ethers and earth.

All I need to do is move towards it.

And I know happiness comes in moments, so I won’t spend my life chasing it, but let it come to me. If I yield to my heart’s flow, at times stretching its sphere, it arrives.

6 months ago, upon a moment that required an amount of love greater than what I had to give, I physically experienced the contraction. My heart felt as if needles were pushed through it from all sides, my chest in excruciating pain. I focused on getting little draws of breath in, lungs unable to fully expand.
A little heart attack of sorts.
I couldn’t solve it on my own, but as soon as I reached out a hand to touch my beloved, the heart eased in an instant and a message came clear:

IT IS NO LONGER AN OPTION TO CONTRACT, KEEP EXPANDING.

It has been my reminder ever since.
The Love available to us in the collective is bigger than what we individually can hold. So share it.

This is the dance of my soul in the event horizon of existence.

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