This is a reflection piece on my own pattern of behavior, namely long distance relating.
Feel free to comment if you have similar or opposing views.
It’s always been my thing.
I thought I was cursed and now I am ready to claim ownership of the fact
that IT IS ME THAT LEAVES.
I break the container, to look at it from an eagle’s perspective,
and on my way from my lovers’ arms to the unknown adventure,
I feel most myself.
The in-between is where I’ve made my life.
Not fully landing to either my mother’s or father’s house.
Not the heaven nor the earth.
And I’ve made my church in the no-man’s land, worshipping the adventure,
the annihilation of anything that has come be known.
Like every new dawn burning away the night’s dream canvas – so have I woken up, often, in a new place, in a new country, speaking another language, gazing at new eyes
– and falling in love with the wisdom of strangers.
The road has been my teacher for the last 10 years.
My life is a patchwork quilt of colours, squiggles, dots…the birds eye view of landscape. I find myself on a map rather than in time. Age or linear lifelines don’t really exist, instead of ‘when I was 25..’ I say ‘when I was in Mexico..’. A full load of experiences are lived in those randomly sequenced chapters.
And I wish to apologize to my lovers for abandoning them as I have felt abandoned.
I have taken my love for one person and directed it out into the world, to the many.
Giving them back freedom yes, as my ongoing spiritual practice is to associate Love as synonymous to Liberation.
Lately I have taken notice of how intimidating it is to love me,
so much my freedom shines out: “You are free to stay or to go”.
And I am starting to give more attention to the parts of me that wish to stay.
Those parts are speaking louder now, writing this.
When I go I am not forever gone,
I am just back home, in the in-between,
belonging nowhere, to no one.
I feel safe in my freedom.
It is commitment, routine, solid structures and schedules that scare me.
Therein lies my next challenge.
But the tipping point is already arising in me, where the going does not evoke the same exhiliration and belonging nowhere is beginning to bore me.
I am more excited to return to places I know.
I am more excited to go where my loved ones are.
When I get the urge to go somewhere new – I pause to ask:
‘Is this an escape from staying and feeling all there is?’
What does that have to do with open relating?
Well, for years now, I’ve drifted in the open seas,
with my heart’s compass sometimes spinning, sometimes flooded,
sometimes not answering.
There have been days where I just waited for the wind.
Every pair of arms is a harbour that I have come home to,
melted into the sudden intimacy, the embrace, the comfort and warmth of a beloved…and every departure from that moment has reminded me
of the destruction of continuation, the inevitable polarity of proximity,
the temporal nature of our dance in the physical plane.
I have learnt to love intensely – creating depth almost at an instant,
saying it all in one look, one touch. ‘Hurry up, time’s running out!’
A deep distrust uncovers in me,
where I feel safer in these intense pulses of togetherness.
Timeframes of the present moment +-an hour or a day I can live with.
Like a diver at the edge of pool I’ll prepare, take a deep breath and plunge head over heels.
No chance to avoid getting wet. Soaked.
I will have you to myself for a few hours, for a whole night, a weekend… yes that is a timeframe I can live with. It’s not possessive.
Make it more than a month and I’m out. I leave before I get kicked out.
I’ve trained my heart to get used to distance.
But suddenly I can’t run this anymore. I can’t run, full stop.
Now I wish to explore more continuity, consistency, with-in a community of souls I love like a family. But everyday I get surprised to see a familiar face smiling at me, expecting it to shift – catching my mind’s prewritten ending, before it’s had a chance to explore deepening…
Loving with liberty has been a great skill to hone, but to integrate it into creating some more lasting relations, to stay and build community, a home, is the next chapter.
Perhaps I can still bridge both houses, inhabit the divine heavens and a lushious earth paradise.
How to really love without limits?
To stay open and yearning and burn with the new dawn again and again,
at times call a new face in, start a dance with a fresh unique form of passion
and write poetry about it.
My heart is full of collector’s items, beautiful charms, archetypal trinklets.
and I somehow manage to keep them all loved and safely categorized.
I feel my loves all reveal a different part of me,
as each unique human being has an impact on my experience of what being human is.
And you know what, I am committed – committed to love.
Yes, I might step out and catch my breath, do my thing, but I am here,
open and ready and willing to go deeper.
And I know it is hard to trust me without creating some structure,
a house for our love, a creation that is uniquely ours, a celebration of the spark!
So let’s keep exploring open relating and voicing our unique desires,
carving new paths for love to flow and GROW.
I am grateful to know so many wonderful beings who have accepted me and continue to love me as I am.
I am open to welcome you into my life – the ebbs and flows.
I am much like water, you may not be able to stop the running, me always sinking deeper through layers of landscape, evaporating into invisibility and starting again, completely transparent.
In the end, we all are the sea.